BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE?

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by F.I.S.T., Oct 27, 2015.

  1. F.I.S.T.

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    BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE


    Just saw this one the other day and thought it was pretty good.Sorry for those too sensitive or politically correct to find the humor in it.


    So it was halloween night for a young black boy..

    His mother tells him to go upstairs and to surprise her with his halloween costume. He then comes down 10 minutes later dressed as Abraham Lincoln. His mother says, "Come on now, you can't be him because he's white and you're black". He then goes back up, and comes down again 10 minutes later dress as George Washington. His mother again goes, "You can't be him cause he's white and you're black". He goes up for a third time and struts back down the stairs butt naked with a stick up his butt. His mother, shocked, says "what the hell are you!?" The little boy in a proud assertive tone says, "A fudgesicle".
     
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  3. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    Why don't old ladies go to the gynecologist early in the morning?

    Have you ever tried to pull apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?
     
  4. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    Three women are sitting at a bar complaining about how big their vaginas are. The first one says "My vagina is so big my husband can fit his entire fist in there." The second woman says "That's nothing. Mine is so big, my boyfriend can almost fit his whole forearm up there." The last woman just starts sobbing and sliding down the bar stool.
     
  5. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    How can you tell an Asian woman is pregnant?

    Stick an equation up her vagina and if after 30 seconds it comes out solved, she's pregnant.
     
  6. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

    Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
     
  7. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

    A washing machine doesn't call you for three days after you put a load in it.
     
  8. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

    "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

    "Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

    "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

    "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
     
  9. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.

    The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.

    The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.

    The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!
     
  10. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

    His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
     
  11. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

    That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."

    The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.

    The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"
     
  12. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud' hiss-pop' noise.' The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,' explains the guide.'

    The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.'

    Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a' Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop' noise.' Wait a minute!' says the man taking the tour.' I understand what the' hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that' pop' every so often?'

    'Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,' says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.'

    'Well, that can't be good for the condoms!'

    'Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!'
     
  13. lith56bigguy

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    One time I heard that T-size was a man
     
  14. F.I.S.T.

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    Thats not a joke.Its an urban legend.LOL
     
  15. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

    A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
     
  16. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

    Sexual harassment



    What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

    $3.99 a minute.
     
  17. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

    It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and it spreads easy.
     
  18. F.I.S.T.

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    What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

    Erotic is when you use a feather.

    Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
     
  19. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    What is the difference between medium and rare?

    Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
     
  20. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    What's the difference between sin and shame?

    It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
     
  21. F.I.S.T.

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    Re: BEST JOKES YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE

    What's the ultimate rejection?

    When youre mastubating and your hand falls asleep.
     

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