Rhiannon
02-01-2009, 05:40 AM
Aussie Etiquette
IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
your ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly
so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste
of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from
your jewellery.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to
go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years
ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will
say 11:00 PM, others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer,
it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the
movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of
place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund
and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns are
loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar
doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite
to ask her to bring back beer too.
==========
Old Queensland men may walk slow, BUT think F A S T
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
===================
Aussie Tracker
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists
the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian
Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered,
lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.
It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has
Dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.
There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
The Aborigine replied,
"I fell out of the f--- king thing about half an hour ago!"
IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
your ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly
so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste
of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from
your jewellery.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to
go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years
ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will
say 11:00 PM, others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer,
it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the
movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of
place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund
and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns are
loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar
doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite
to ask her to bring back beer too.
==========
Old Queensland men may walk slow, BUT think F A S T
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
===================
Aussie Tracker
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists
the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian
Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered,
lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.
It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has
Dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.
There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
The Aborigine replied,
"I fell out of the f--- king thing about half an hour ago!"